Left Unsaid
by Sombereyes
Summary: When she becomes as cold as icy steel, it's when she wavers the most. I wonder, is she that damaged, that she can't possibly understand my tongue, and the ineptitude that it has? Is she really so blind that she can't see? Or, maybe it's just that I'm so good at hiding it.


A/N: Well, we know that Shizuru just doesn't seem to want to tell Natsuki what's going on in her head early on in the series...I kinda got to wondering why that was...and I did a quick little oneshot in Shizuru's POV as the idea for why that might be began to trickle through my head.

WindChaser0001, for being the beta reader for this project.

I don't own Mai HiME.

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**Left Unsaid**

Ever love someone so much that even the most casual reply can just cause so much pain?

I wish I could just reach out and tell her everything I feel, but if I did that, it would just be cowardly. In the end, it's my own selfish whims, and I know that, but still, there's a cruel kindness that lingers in her eyes. Hating me, well, that wouldn't hurt so badly. Loathing my very existence would feel like the sharpness of a knife and it would feel as if a dull ache invaded my heart. Still, a dulled pain is much less torturous than a stabbing at my every prayer.

I wish she wouldn't smile so kindly, unless that smile was meant only for me. I wish her eyes wouldn't casually glance to the side, unless she was taking notice of me, not just of my presence. I wish instead of hearing her voice, telling me of her plans, that she would just ask me in that soft tone, "What would like to do today?" as if, even just spending time with me, would make her happy. Those are little things, that I wouldn't require everyday. Even just once in a while, just to know, that she acknowledges me...that I'm not needed, but that I'm wanted.

Then again, if I could say that to her, I think even if I had the strength, she would not. I sometimes think that, if I held out my hand, she just might take hold of it. I wish that was enough for me, but it just isn't. So, even if we were to hold hands, that would not ease my stuttering heart. As much as I want her, she's not mine to have, unless she says that she is. Asking her to let me hold something so precious, well, isn't that a sin in and of itself. I don't want a trinket, or a bauble...I don't even want her to swear undying love to me..though, those things would be nice...I wouldn't disagree with any of that, and I would be profoundly happy...but the truth is, that kind of thing is also fleeting.

Still, she doesn't notice, because I don't want her to.

I don't want to frighten her. Natsuki's very strong, but she's also fleeting. Her eyes shimmer with many things, but still, there is a lingering hesitancy in her breath. When she becomes as cold as icy steel, it's when she wavers the most. I wonder, is she that damaged, that she can't possibly understand my tongue, and the ineptitude that it has? Is she really so blind that she can't see? Or, maybe it's just that I'm so good at hiding it...maybe, I'm the damaged one...unfit for her.

She is a woman after all...that's got to hold some sense of wrongness, hasn't it?

Twisted and ill-planned intentions aside, sinner though I may become, with or without a voice...is it truly worthy of total and complete damnation? I doubt it, but, then again, doubts are my lifeblood. They keep me from saying anything I may want to...and yet, they dress my wounded heart with hope, false though it may be. The way I see it, even if I doubt her acceptance of my love, I can equally doubt that she will cast me aside. Still, which one would be easier to deal with? Things left unsaid? Or chance taken, where there may be no room for a failure?

What could there possibly be to choose from? That is an unanswerable question. Natsuki, my silence is not completely out of fear.

I almost wish that it was, because then I would only have my own cowardice on which to blame it. Still, I choose not to speak, hoping you may notice what I try to hide...still, this isn't a game which I can win. I'll lose either way. If you discover me, my mask will be broken...If I tell you, then you would not have noticed on your own...and, I may even risk pushing things on you, that you may not want. I know I'm losing the battle, toying with the conjecture as I have...but all joking aside, planting a suggestion here and there doesn't do any harm, now does it?

I pray that it doesn't.

Still, a prayer is not an action, and you are the dealer with an endless deck of cards. With that in mind, I can accept the casual smile that means nothing to you, besides the image before me. I can come up with excuses, for why you look towards me, and yet I can't seem to fathom why you don't actually take me in with your eyes. Even the way you blush, I will drink it in like a fine wine, until you take notice, because the truth is, Natsuki, I knew what I was doing from the start.

The universe conspires against me. It's a lie I tell myself, because that will give me solace...but I know the real truth. I tried to protect and ease you from the harsh winds...but I'm not a shield, I never was. It's okay to hurt, and be hurt by others, because someone will come along and find an answer to the lingering venom, that can't be seen from a scar. I found yours, but, as I pulled it from your veins, I made a discovery. It wasn't poison that pumped through you...it was love for someone you cared for...it was a driving force...I'm just sorry I'm now also inclined to meander down that same destructive path.

Will you see through me, I wonder, now that we're both kindred? I hope that you will.


End file.
